These World’s Largest Gummy Bear Reviews Are Hilarious And Horrifying

“I dropped this bad boy on my cat and he fell throught the floor.”

1. From a Review Titled: “Gummy Love”

This little Gummy is perfect for lonely cold nights. Can really take a pounding. Get two for those really cold or lonely times.

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3. From a Review Titled: “127 Hours With the Gummy Bear”

I didn’t really think anything of it when I ordered the giant gummy bear. I was going hiking in the mountains and I wanted an easily backpackable snack. I figured I could snack on one 5lb gummy bear for the entire hike. Things started out okay enough, the hike was relaxing. It was mid-morning, and I got a bit snackish, so I pulled out Giant Gummy Bear and nibbled on his ear while hiking.

And that’s when things went wrong, horrifyingly wrong. I wasn’t watching my footing and I slipped off the edge of a small canyon, falling fifteen feet and losing my grip on Giant Gummy. I landed hard, and Giant Gummy slammed down on my arm like a chewy hammer, wedging it between the canyon wall and Giant Gummy’s giant, gummy buttcheeks. It hurt, oh it hurt bad.

I drifted in and out of consciousness for hours. Night was falling when I really regained my wits and realized I was in trouble. I couldn’t feel my hand, I couldn’t stand up, I was pinned in place by Giant Gummy. I wrestled, I squirmed, I fought, but I was no match for Giant Gummy Bear. I was stuck.

Over the next couple of days, my consciousness deteriorated from exposure and dehydration. I saw my mom and grandparents, whom I lost in the 1990’s, and they told me to hang on, that it wasn’t my time yet. I thought of all my failed relationships, and business deals gone wrong. Most of all, I thought of my wife and kids, and how distraught they must be.

It was almost five days later when I accepted that help was never going to come, and I screwed together the courage and resolve to get myself out of my situation. I rummaged in my pack until I found my Swiss Army knife. It was hard to open it one-handed, but I managed. I poised it over my pinioned arm, gritted my teeth, and sunk the blade in.

Into Giant Gummy, that is. The first bite of Giant Gummy buttock was deliciously sweet and fake-cherry-rific, even after five days outside…but I knew I was going to have to eat a lot more than one bite. I kept carving into Giant Gummy, and eating Giant Gummy, for hours. My jaw grew tired from all the chewing, and my knife was covered in sugary, red goo. I was making progress, though. I could see parts of my arm that I hadn’t seen since the fateful slip. Evening was close when I finally carved enough of a tunnel out of Giant Gummy that I could pull my arm free.

I stood up for the first time in 127 hours, turned to face down the mountain, and started walking. But first, I tucked the remains of Giant Gummy in my backpack, because hey, waste not, want not.

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5. From a Review Titled: “HOLY MOTHER OF GAAAAWWWDDD!”

This is the biggest, baddest gummy M’Fer in the world! I dropped this bad boy on my cat and he fell throught the floor. Later, whilst being intruded upon by neighborhood thug-types, I used this Gummy of Death to deal out punishment upon them all. I am seriously thinking about moving underground and living a vigilante type life style with my gummy bear. It was originally a gift for my son, but screw him. He never cleans up after himself anyway, Brat.

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7. My Precious Gummy Boy Has Finally Come Home!!

To me he is not a delicacy. He is Donald. He is my son and I will raise him as such. I will bathe, feed, care for, and instill in him the values he needs to grow into a proud gummy man. I will not consume him ( unless he acts out then I will take a nibble here and there ) & I will not allow the judgements of neighbors and peers to lessen my resolve!!

Welcome Home Donald. Father will protect you.

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9. From a Review Titled: “Whew”

Got this for my ex when I broke up with her. How can she be upset when she has 5 POUNDS of tasty bear to eat?

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11. From a Review Titled: “As seen on TV!”

Featured in a recent episode of TLC’s “Sex Sent Me to the ER!” Strongly recommended not to heat this in a microwave and pour it on your tied-up girlfriend’s skin. Even if she asks you to. Melted, super-heated gummy bears can cause 3rd degree burns. Also: you cannot remedy the mistake by trying to lick it off.

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13. From a Review Titled: “He won’t crack … yet”

I have had this gummy bear tied to a chair for the past 5 days and he still won’t tell me the secret location of his gummi bear juice. However there is good news: I think he is warming up to me and his defenses are starting to melt. Unfortunately they are melting all over my super secret interrogation room.

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15. From a Review Titled: “Does not talk”

I captured this mute gummy bear last month. After weeks of “persuasion” from my meanest, toughest, ogres, he still wouldn’t tell me how to make the Gummy Berry Juice. I must learn this secret to super strength!

I fed his remains to my ogres. They said he was very cherry.

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17. From a Review Titled: “Oy my bowels”

Got this for my birthday in January and haven’t pooped since. It was worth it though, delicious cherry gumminess. Someone recommended another type of gummy bear that might help with that. Wonder if I could get those on here…

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19. From a Review Titled: “Doctor recommended”

I recently was scheduled for the dreaded Colonoscopy. And it is true – the prep is far worse than the procedure. Liquids, no solid food, broth. UGH! But alas! What did I see on the Doctor’s prep sheet for recommended foods that I could eat? You are right: Gummy Bears. Yeah! Now that cherry bear was on the no-no list, so I went for the blue raspberry. It was a life safer.

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21. From a Review Titled: “SEND HELP!!!!”

I AM TRAPPED UNDER A 5 LB GUMMY BEAR! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, SEND THE JAWS OF LIFE!

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23. From a Review Titled: “Fun for the Whole Family!”

I purchased this behemoth so I could eat it on stage at my audition for `America’s Got Talent.’ I made it through his legs, arms and ears before I had to take a quick 5 because of the hallucinations (Jesus in the rafters holding a raccoon wearing sunglasses and Maya Angelou chopping wood in front of the White House are all that I can recall at the moment as it’s difficult to remember on many levels for many reasons.) I then transitioned into tackling the torso. And wow. Just. Wow.

At this point, my jaw was in excruciating pain so I resort to punching myself in the face to try and numb it up. Luckily, the studio where the auditions are held is next door to a clinic so a Production Assistant ran over there and stole me a couple of whacks of Demerol (about 50 CC’s, but again, all of this is pretty fuzzy.) So now that I’m hopped up on goofballs and what not, I can resume why I am there: to destroy this evil that I have now decided to start calling Ernie. I am not too sure why I chose that name. Maybe because in the days prior to my audition I was up for 8 days on a steady diet of meth, speedballs and liverwurst and watching Sesame Street on PBS, so it was all still fresh in mind. Yeah, that makes more sense.

Back to Ernie. I was making a nice dent in the torso and then the unthinkable happened. Sharon Osborne, (this was back when she was still a judge) accompanied by some security guards approached me on the stage and poked me with cattle prods. As I laid there motionless, all I could feel was the feeling of denseness in my tummy like I’d just eaten a sandbag, and the cold kiss of steel around my wrists.

Thereafter, I was interrogated. Heavily. I don’t think they interrogated Ernie because he doesn’t have ears anymore and he couldn’t hear them. As it turns out, I never actually signed up for the audition (formalities, semantics.) I guess in my incoherent state of being up for so long, I stole this giant gummy bear from a patient at the clinic next door (along with the Demerol, so no PA stole it for me), walked into the studio, hopped on a forklift and drove it to the stage where the audition was.

And now my only Hollywood story of `America’s Got Talent’ is now referred to as `El Jefe’s Got Diabetes’.

Either way, I haven’t heard from Ernie since the trial.

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25. From a Review Titled: “it’s good”

I ate it… It came out in the toilet looking exactly the same. Hurt pretty bad but since it was gummy, it was manageable.

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27. From a Review Titled: “Don’t judge our love”

Sometimes a girl gets lonely. That’s where this stunner comes in—-he sauntered into my life one cloudy afternoon and now we’re inseparable. We go to the park, the movies, out to dinner. He’s the best, a wonderful listener and nary a wandering eye. It’s true, we do get a lot of funny looks—-but we don’t mind. Our bond is beautiful! Though at times sticky when it’s hot out. I can’t wear white those days.

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29. From a Review Titled: “Just as big as I had hoped for”

…This thing is massive. You could easily beat a small child to death with one of these, so that’s a plus I guess….As a gift, this is perfect. As a weapon, it is adequate. I bought the giant gummy worm for a friend as a wedding gift and I’m sure it’ll be a big hit with the newlyweds(ribbed for her pleasure!).

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31. From a Review Titled: “A Bear even the squirrels will love”

I bought this gummy bear as a thank you gift to the neighborhood squirrels. Those dear critters have consistently given me a helping hand with my gardening. Every morning, they ensure every potted plant on my balcony is safely dug out of its original pot, and gently placed several feet away from the pot of origin. Not only that, but the very gracious critters also go the extra mile, and throw small pieces of dirt all across my balcony so I know their task is completed.

Being the gracious host I am, I decided to buy this lovely treat for them. I placed it strategically between two potted plants so my dear squirrel friends would not miss it. The next morning, I realized the entire gummy bear was gone. Thinking it must have fallen off my balcony, I walked downstairs to investigate. As I reached the last step, I heard some odd squeaky sounds coming from behind the bushes. I slowly walked to the bushes, and lo and behold I found my entire gang of hard workers rolling around on the ground. They had red pieces of what I guess was gummy bear, plastered about their furry little bodies.

I am not sure if the squeaky sounds were grunts of joy or agony, but I would like to assume they were quite happy. One of them even seemed to have turned into the shape of the gummy bear head. I am glad the little guys finally got some well deserved recognition. I have not seen them back lately, which must mean someone else has purchased an even bigger gummy bear for them … and they have left me for greener grasses.

I will always miss my little friends, but I would like to thank the maker of this gummy bear for giving me some great moments with my friends. I am sure others will be just as appreciative as they were.

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