The 5 Most Messed Up ’90s Girly Board Games
1. Pretty Pretty Princess
Objective: Collect all the jewelry items in your color without being in possession of the deadly “black ring.” First girl to do so is crowned Pretty Pretty Princess.
WTF aspect: What’s so bad about the black ring?
What it taught us: You must match, damnit. Also, the unwritten rule that all losers of Pretty Pretty Princess automatically become your Ugly Ugly Underlings.
2. Girl Talk
Objective: Spin the wheel to reveal a truth or dare. Successfully complete the challenge and you collect a fortune card in one of four categories—Children, Marriage, Career, Special Moments.
WTF aspect: Fail to complete a truth/dare and you have to wear a red zit sticker. Awkward for the girl in the room who actually does have really bad, emotionally scarring acne.
What it taught us: Those fortune cards told us what adulthood had in store for us, and basically your future sucks. “You will have identical twins five days before your 23rd birthday.” (Shit.) “The player to your right will secretly reveal the best career to you.” (For the love of God, why did you sit next to Joanna?) “The man you marry will be wearing a mask when you first meet.” (That’s not creepy.)
3. Dream Phone
Objective: Be the first to guess the Secret Admirer—he’s one of 24 guys. Each guy has his own card with a phone number. Call him up and he’ll give clues (“He’s not at the mall!”) to help you narrow down the options.
WTF aspect: So, wait. There’s one Secret Admirer but multiple girls playing the game? So he “likes” all of us? Typical.
What it taught us: Cordless phones are the best. And true love is totally out there! You just have to look for it at the beach, gym, snack shop, movie theater, mall, or amusement park.
4. Mall Madness
Objective: Be the first to buy all six items on your shopping list and make it to the parking lot. Players move around a mini plastic mall, use cardboard credit cards, and cash.
WTF aspect: What’s with having to use your “credit card” to make a purchase and then also having to hand over fake cash to a banker?
What it taught us: Basically responsible for American credit card debt.
5. Party Mania
Objective: OMG the Keller Twins are having a party and not going would be social suicide, so get your chores done by 6 p.m. Characters on a VHS tape will talk to you or give you special instructions as you play.
WTF aspect: After all that work, you make it to the party. Your crushes are there and are all “So glad you’re here!” but then they go dance with other girls.
What it taught us: A wine cooler and someone’s parents’ basement—this is the only way you can feel alive.
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