How To Cut 43 Minutes From The “Les Misérables” DVD
1. Here’s what to skip.
2. 20:00-22:22 — Javert and Valjean meet again, Valjean lifts a cart
You’ll notice a recurring theme in these skippable scenes: the less Russell Crowe, the better. Plus, you don’t really need to see Hugh Jackman lift a cart off some random French guy. Watch him lift Kristen Chenoweth at the Oscars instead!
3. 36:03-37:27 — Javert tells Valjean that they’ve arrested Valjean
But they haven’t! Valjean is right there. We know this, so let’s put Russell Crowe out of his misery and skip to Hugh Jackman doing “Who Am I?”
4. 43:20-45:13 — Javert confronts Valjean at Fantine’s death bed
In other words, Russell Crowe totally ruins Anne Hathaway’s death scene. It’s pretty weak. Let’s move on.
5. 47:49-52:34 — “Master of the House”
First of all, Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter aren’t exactly the standouts of this cast. Second of all, the “Master of the House” sequence offers a lot of unnecessarily gross imagery that we could all do without. Third of all, NEXT.
6. 58:18-1:01:41 — “Suddenly”
Oh, look, they wrote a new song for the movie! Oh, look, it’s SUPER BORING.
7. 1:03:49-1:06:39 — “Stars”
Russell Crowe sings “Stars.” It’s incredibly depressing.
8. 1:07:36-1:08:42 — Gavroche sings
Ugh, Gavroche. Does anyone like this in-your-face street urchin? Let’s see if we can fast-forward him out of the movie entirely.
9. 1:12:35-1:14:23 — Javert questions the Thenardiers
Yay, all the weakest singers in the same place. Skip!
10. 1:20:22-1:23:39 — “In My Life”
Cosette is so meh, and Amanda Seyfried doesn’t really have the voice for the role. She’s not Russell Crowe cringeworthy, but still. If you fast-forward this bit, you can get right to Marius and Eponine, who are worlds better.
11. 1:38:43-1:40:01 — Building the barricades
Spoiler alert: the barricades get built. There is way too much barricade in this movie. All we need is Enjolras and his big red flag, thanks.
12. 1:40:23-1:43:53 — More barricades, Gavroche calls out Javert, Eponine gets shot
After twenty seconds of Enjolras waving the flag, you can move ahead — past Gavroche and Javert facing off, past French soldiers firing on the barricades, past Eponine getting shot. You’ll start again with Eponine dying in Marius’ arms, and believe me, you’ll be crying too much to care that you missed the previous chunk.
13. 1:49:50-1:52:04 — Valjean lets Javert escape
OK, we get it, you’re righteous.
14. 1:57:30-2:02:43 — More barricades, Gavroche gets shot, more barricades
Barricades, barricades, barricades. Enough already. And as loathsome as Gavroche is, you don’t really need to watch his death. Better to pretend he never existed. You can press play again to see Enjolras bite it, which is actually tragic, because Aaron Tveit.
15. 2:04:27-2:09:45 — Valjean carries Marius through the sewers, “Javert’s Suicide”
Um, gross. Just because Valjean wades through shit doesn’t mean you have to. And ugh, seeing Hugh Jackman caked with poo is revolting enough to ruin your entire cinematic experience. Skip Russell Crowe’s final song and start it up again just to catch his hilarious suicide.
16. 2:18:42-2:21:18 — “Wedding Chorale,” “Beggars at the Feast”
The marriage of two boring people is boring, sorry. Also more Thenardiers. Bye. You can actually just turn off the DVD here, but if you’re a completist, come back for Valjean’s death and the big finish. You at least get to see bald Anne Hathaway one last time.
17. Original Running Time: 2 hours, 38 minutes
18. New Running Time: 1 hour, 55 minutes
All screencaps by LiveJournal user midnight_road.