47 Thoughts Everyone Has While Crossing The Rubicon To Invade Rome
I don’t always march an army through water. But when I do, it’s to make everyone in the senate TOTALLY freak out.
1. Wait, where do I like “enter” this river? Awkwaaaaard.2. Is this going to be like Oregon Trail? 3. Because caulking the wagon always worked then, but idk.4. Treason is one of those laws where you’re not supposed to do it, like walking in between subway cars, but the cool kids do it anyway, right?5. I mean, someone did tell me this would take a lot of Gaul. lmbo 6. I can’t believe I picked the 13th legion for this but those guys would not stop sending me emails about “circling back” and “touching base.”7. So glad I wore my good armor today.8. Does this cuirass make me look swole?9. “War crimes” aren’t even really a thing. It’s so subjective.10. Okay so, what should I say for my big moment?11. “SHOOT FOR THE MOON. EVEN IF YOU MISS YOU’LL LAND AMONG THE STARS.”12. Ugh, too Thought Catalog.13. “YOLO”? Too obvious?14. Man, I could really go for a salad with romaine, croutons, and just a hint of lemon juice.15. Cisalpine Gaul doesn’t even have a Chipotle.16. I mean, I walked literally EVERYWHERE and all I could find was like two Au Bon Pains and a Qdoba.17. Should’ve mentioned THAT in my book.18. I heard Pompey votes Republican.19. #pompeysrome #pompeyproblems #pompuhleeeeeease.20. If this javelin gets wet, I’ll just submerge it in a container of rice overnight.
21. I really want to kick major senate ass in Rome. Should I do it?? I like can’t make decisions ever.22. Fine. Come at me bro, I guess? Or whatever? 23. Or maybe like, READY OR NOT HERE I COME!24. What’s something you do and then can’t take back? An Instagram like?25. A dice. Like Monopoly! Dice! Rolling the dice! Because you can’t roll it again.26. Wait, I think I read this somewhere. Ok, I need a trumpet. Hand me that trumpet.27. OK, THE DIE IS CAST, MOTHERF***ERS!!!28. Here we go. UGH, THIS WATER IS COLD. UGH.29. Shrinkage. F**k.30. Wait, did I leave the coffeemaker on?31. I hope Plutarch is live-tweeting this.32. My pteruges is touching water. MY PTERUGES IS TOUCHING WATER.33. Ok, keep going. I bet when you’re in Rome Egyptian girls show up on Tinder.34. Plus I’m going to have that whole “sexy bad boy” thing going on.35. I’m basically like the James Dean version of Sulla.36. I wonder if Antony and Longinus will want to do dinner later.37. WAS THAT A FISH? I SWEAR A FISH JUST BRUSHED AGAINST ME.38. I know I said it was cool that Pompey married my daughter, but you know what? Not cool, bro.39. Maybe I should see if Kanye wants to do a duet.40. OMG, WE’RE ALMOST THERE.41. I should’ve worn those barefoot toe shoes instead of these caliga. 42. I’m kinda nervous now tbh. Like, what if we get to Rome and there’s bears and dragons and shit.43. I guess that’s better than going to court. What’s the difference between Jupiter and a lawyer? Jupiter doesn’t think he’s a lawyer. HA!44. We made it! Does anyone have a towel? 45. I hope this legion is still chill, because I hate office politics. So much backstabbing.46. checks into Rome on Foursquare47. Wait, there was a bridge this WHOLE TIME???
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