35 Important Things We Learned Watching The President Get Off Of Air Force One
The eagle has landed.
The date is April 10, 2014, and President Obama is about to land at an airport in Austin, Texas.
More specifically, he will be landing at a dusty, old military hangar adjacent to Austin-Bergstrom.
But before the president and first lady can walk out of the plane and have this near wardrobe malfunction, a bunch of interesting stuff happens:
1. A gigantic fleet of cars lines up.
Actually, there are 17 vehicles waiting for the president.
2. White House advance team members have to wander around with earpieces in and fists full of highlighters, printouts, and iPhones…
… and they point, oh boy they love to point.
3. Men in black clothing with gigantic binoculars stand atop redundant-looking military equipment.
4. The press are quarantined into a fenced pen…
…and police officers make sure we do not stray from it.
5. …and onto a rusty truck bed provided for us.
Luckily we all have had our tetanus shots.
6. Guys who clearly grew up watching Men In Black stand around bored.
7. A very dapper looking Marine strides over and loiters on the tarmac.
8. After everything is set up, there’s just… waiting.
And watching White House and security officials mill about and fidget nervously around the motorcade.
9. Some reporters get bored and take selfies with Austin’s mayor.
10. The Beast (the car the president travels in) gets the doors flung open and receives a Secret Service wax job.
11. The most interesting thing to happen while waiting for Air Force One to land is this lovely White House staffer chasing after an important document in the wind.
“Why the f@$#*! did they give me the nuclear launch codes?!”
“Nothing to see here.”
Everyone was so bored, we made Instagram videos of the staffer, set to Lil’ John.
12. Then the moment of truth: AF1 lands!
It takes five-plus minutes for the plane to land from sight. Seriously, the longest plane landing you will ever witness.
13. From the moment AF1 lands, the plane is trailed by two black SUVs with these guys in the back:
14. In preparation for the arrival of AF1, the Men in Black set up a YOLO line:
15. The behemoth AF1 taxis at 5 miles per hour all around the airport…
…for about nine hours.
16. Then swings around while the lone Marine badass salutes.
17. FUN FACT: There is no designated deplaning device for the president, so airports simply use whatever is available…
… in this case, United Airlines gets some free advertising.
18. There is a guy on AF1 whose only job is to stand in the president’s doorway and guide in his staircase.
19. After the stairs are in place, the highly waxed Beast jumps to life!
And swings up to the door.
20. Now before the president dons the doorway, the back of the plane starts spitting out droves of people.
21. Some of those are members of the press who sprint immediately to stand in front of the jet engine.
22. Really, the front of the plane just turns into one gigantic cluster.
And then, famous people descend a staircase!
23. It becomes apparent that Obama is gonna greet some invited Austin community members across the tarmac…
… so media members scramble over there with breathless desperation.
“OMG. OMG. OMFG. HURRY!!!” ***heart attack***
24. The Obamas casually walk over…
… with 300 of their closest security friends.
25. And the Beasts flank him like a boss.
26. The audience is anxiously waiting to take Obama’s photo with iPads.
27. And here is how much security is required to protect Obama from your baby.
And this mom says: “So good to meet you and the Men in Black.”
28. The Beast is a custom limo, meaning some people have to climb in backward, awkwardly, like this:
29. And when you get in the Beast, the massively thick doors are closed for you like this:
30. Obama bops around making small talk for a few minutes…
…then proves to everyone that he may need a new dry cleaner.
31. And his motorcade takes off.
How much time you got? To GIF the entire thing would take the rest of the day…
32. But we’re not done yet! Well-dressed AF1 flight attendants now physically carry all the president’s garbage off the plane.
And dump it all on the tarmac.
33. Now this guy has to carry all the secret documents to the dumpster or the Russians.
34. The door the president uses is closed and not used again until his return.
But another door underneath it is opened up for TOURS!
35. AF1 pilots get off the plane, walk over to the crowd, and start escorting some handpicked families up to the plane…
… to get wanded by TSA being run out of the back of a red SUV…
And then escorted inside the plane for a private Air Force One tour!
But when the president returns, he will say this to the tourists:
And those are some of the interesting things we learned about Obama arriving in your city!
We shall miss you, tetanus truck bed.
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