28 Things You Learn At Lollapalooza

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One city, three days, eight stages, 130 bands, 100,000 people. There is no escape.

1. Nothing can truly prepare you for the three-day musical and spiritual journey that is Lollapalooza in Chicago.

Nothing can truly prepare you for the three-day musical and spiritual journey that is Lollapalooza in Chicago.

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Steve C. Mitchell/Invision / AP

You may THINK you’re ready for Lollapalooza. You may think you’re prepared for three full days of music and food and drinking and sun and the beautiful people of Chicago. You may think you have your high-waisted denim shorts pulled as high as they can possibly be pulled above your belly button, your flower crown setting perfectly atop your straightened hair, your sunblock, your wristband, a bottle of alcohol shoved down your pants. You may think you have it all figured out. But you’re wrong. Nobody is ready.

2. Getting your bag checked is the equivalent of hell itself.

Getting your bag checked is the equivalent of hell itself.

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Matt Bellassai/BuzzFeed

You will wait in bag check for approximately eight hours behind three people who are already so drunk at 12:30 p.m., they can barely stand on their own two feet and who try to support one another like a wobbly tent made of broken twigs. One of them will be carried away before they make it to the gate.

You will make it to the gate yourself, and a nice man will not very nicely take away your half-full bottle of precious water and your full can of sunblock. You accept that death is now imminent.

3. There are more people than you will ever see in your life.

There are more people than you will ever see in your life.

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Grant Park can apparently hold what I estimated to be 1 trillion people but what Lollapalooza tells me is only 100,000 people. Still, 100,000 people is basically 1 trillion people when all of you are drunk and sweaty and smashed together on a field.

4. It takes approximately 48 days to walk from one side of the park to the other.

It takes approximately 48 days to walk from one side of the park to the other.

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Matt Bellassai/BuzzFeed

At some point during the weekend, you’ll convince yourself that you can EASILY get from one stage to another in only five minutes without missing a single one of your favorite songs before realizing the top of Grant Park is located somewhere in Ontario, Canada, and the bottom is somewhere near the U.S.-Mexican border. All is hopeless.

5. The Rain Gods do not care about you or anybody you love.

The Rain Gods do not care about you or anybody you love.

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Steve C. Mitchell/Invision / AP

It will rain. Even if it says it’s not gonna rain, it will rain. You will try dealing with the rain. You will buy pizza in the rain. You will stand in the rain and eat your rain pizza and drink your rain beer. You will sing in the rain and dance in the rain and run in the rain. It will rain, but it won’t be that bad.

6. Ponchos are a necessary evil that will solve all of your problems and bring peace to your Earth.

Ponchos are a necessary evil that will solve all of your problems and bring peace to your Earth.

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Matt Bellassai/BuzzFeed

This is a garbage bag with strings that they sell as a poncho. You will wear it if you, like me, have no shame. It will keep you and at least three loved ones safe. You will not regret it.

7. Mud is Festival Enemy Number One.

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Or Festival Friend Number One, depending on your outlook on life. After all, Lollapalooza is perhaps the only time you can guiltlessly flop in a giant pile of chocolate milkshake-like muck and not immediately regret it. Your feet will suction themselves to the ground. Your shoes will be ruined. For a brief moment, you’ll worry that the ground will literally swallow your entire physical being and you’ll suffocate in the destroyed sod beneath a crowd of people who actually showed up to watch Kings of Leon. But somehow it’s gross and awesome and aggravating and beautiful all at once.

8. Despite the weather, you will have the time of your life.

Despite the weather, you will have the time of your life.

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Theo Wargo / Getty Images

You will get wet. You will be sad for one second. Then you will dance. And everything will be better.

9. Iggy Azalea’s waist defies all known rules of physics.

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Scientists have tried to explain it. You yourself will try to make sense of it. But nobody can. Nobody ever will.

10. Lorde’s hair is the most majestic creature on this planet, and seeing it in person is the cure to all of life’s problems.

Lorde's hair is the most majestic creature on this planet, and seeing it in person is the cure to all of life's problems.

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Steve C. Mitchell/Invision / AP

Lorde’s hair is a celestial being, the Creator of all living things, a source of Good and Joy in an otherwise bleak and dark world. When she walks onstage, your soul ascends from your body and joins hers in the air above the crowd, swirling together as one. When she dances, you dance. When she feels, you feel. When she rises, you rise.

11. Rihanna makes literally everything better.

Sarah @cleaaaaver

J chillin with Malia Obama✌️

Could be Malia Obama. Could be Barack himself. You never know.

27. Pizza is perhaps the one and only savior.

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Lou Malnati’s deep dish saves lives.

The man who sells $6 jumbo slices on the street while you drunkenly stumble to the train at the end of the night saves lives.

Pizza. Saves. Lives.

28. Chicago is, without a doubt, the greatest city to have a music festival in.

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There is no other city with a skyline as beautiful as this, overlooking a park as grand as this, hosting a festival as big as this, with pizza as good as this. There simply is no other place.

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/28-things-you-learn-at-lollapalooza

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