19 Things Only People Who Have Given Birth Will Understand
You’re so crafty you make humans.
1. Giving birth is the most painful/crazy/amazing/weird thing you will ever do.
LOL, remember that time a human came out of you?
2. Things happen during pregnancy, labor, and delivery that defy even your wildest dreams.
(Not cool things like riding unicorns on roads made of rainbows, either.)
3. Like, OMG can we talk about mucus plugs? Did you even know that was a thing before you were pregnant?
No, of course you didn’t. No teenager would ever get pregnant if they knew about mucus plugs in advance.
4. Or like, that your options for pain management during labor include sticking a needle into your spine and mastering hypnotherapy?
Johnny Cash didn’t know shit about the “ring of fire.”
5. Being in labor is like being in The Matrix. The reality in which you were not in infinite pain has been shattered.
Unless you go for the epidural, in which case you’re just kind of high.
6. There are not enough pillows in the world to sleep comfortably while pregnant.
It’s actually a really cruel joke on someone who is about to have a newborn.
7. Sniss happens.
Basically never again will you be able to sneeze without sitting on a toilet.
8. You painstakingly create a playlist for the delivery room only to find yourself screaming for utter silence.
This will be the first of many times parenthood doesn’t give a crap about your plans.
9. You know the joy of lightning crotch for weeks on end.
It’s like being kicked in your shins repeatedly and multiple times a day, if your shins were in your vagina.
10. Nothing sends you into a rage faster than the words: “Have you had that baby yet?”
Yep, slipped right out and I forgot to mention it.
11. Strangers will touch your body all NBD.
Let’s do a social experiment where all the pregnant women of the world just start walking up to randos and rubbing their bellies.
12. People start talking about your body like it’s public domain.
“Thanks for asking. My cervix is currently measuring at five centimeters and my baby could tumble out at any moment — now let’s discuss the circumference of your urethra.”
13. Afterbirth isn’t just a clever name.
AFTER you give BIRTH, you get to give birth again, only this time it’s to your placenta. Two. Births.
14. Also, cankles.
Like, you’ve heard about cankles, but you don’t really understand cankles until your calf and your foot meet face to face for the first time.
15. Pretty much everything makes you want to barf.
The smell of popcorn, brushing your teeth, standing up…whatever.
16. No matter how you deliver, at some point after that baby is born you are going to have to poop, and it is going to suck.
Metamucil and Colace make a lovely cocktail.
17. Also things rip. People don’t like to talk about that, do they?
18. More people have seen your vagina during this pregnancy than all four years of college combined.
But at this point you’re just like, meh.
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