17 Football Terms That Mean Something Different To Gay Guys
But “slobberknocker” is the same in every language.
Literal definition: A period of action that starts when the ball is put into play and ends when the ball is ruled dead.
Matt Ortile: Alternative for “bottom.” Like, I’m down to down.
Ira Madison III: A masc top’s go-to phrase. “Go DOWN on me. Put your ass DOWN.”
Matt: Like “Down It Low by Christina Millian feat. Sam Smith.”
2. End Zone
Literal definition: A 10-yard-long area at both ends of the field.
Ira: I know this one, it’s where you score touchdowns. I’m from Milwaukee so I sometimes watch Packers games to not feel like a traitor and also because Aaron Rodgers is hot.
Matt: I only know the other kind of “packers.”
Matt: Is there a start zone?
Ira: No, I think there’s just the rest of the field.
Matt: So there’s an ending but no beginning? Typical straight men.
3. Extra Point
Literal definition: A kick, worth one point, that’s typically attempted after every touchdown.
Matt: When he eats ass.
Ira: Shouldn’t that be a requirement these days? If straight people are co-opting it, then we have a duty to uphold
Matt: So it’s just a point.
Ira: An extra point for not being a general asshole on Grindr, Scruff, Tinder, at a bar, Twitter, in general.
Matt: I like how it’s apps > IRL > twitter thirst for you.
Literal definition: A pass that’s caught by a defensive player, ending the offense’s possession of the ball.
Matt: The sequel to Inception.
Matt: Same thing.
Ira: Look at this Chris Nolan shade! I got dragged on BuzzFeed for shading Interstellar, so good luck.
Matt: I can take the heat from Tumblr.
Literal definition: When a defensive player tackles the quarterback behind the line of scrimmage for a loss of yardage.
Ira: Something people don’t shave as often as they should.
Matt: When giving head, getting all the way down to the sack. Does that warrant an extra point?
Ira: You mean, not having a gag reflex? That is a skill. Who can even do that?
Ira: You will have so many people sliding into your DMs.
6. Hash Marks
Literal definition: The lines on the center of the field that signify one yard on the field.
Ira: When you can check someone’s Twitter timeline and see who they’re fucking.
Matt: When you mark your prey on Twitter. You put a hash mark on the guy whose DMs you’re about to slide into.
Ira: Hash marks the thot!
Literal definition: A score, worth two points, that the defense earns by tackling an offensive player in possession of the ball in his own end zone.
Matt: Something they ask me about at the clinic. Every three months.
Ira: Something porn studios don’t want to ruin the fantasy.
Matt: Something that comes in all sizes.
Literal definition: The action in which the ball is hiked by the center to the quarterback.
Matt: A basic tool of communication.
Ira: What straight people think all gays do to enunciate words.
Matt: Is that not true?
Ira: Well, yes. I guess straight people are right sometimes.
9. Alligator Arms
Literal definition: A receiver who does not fully extend his arms to catch a pass because he is afraid that he will be hit hard immediately upon touching the ball.
Ira: Is this what we call people who constantly selfie their arm workouts?
Matt: And they’re like, veiny. I love veiny but these are like, TOO veiny.
Ira: I only wanna see veins on that d
Matt: Alligator D.
Literal definition: When a player is hit so hard that the slobber comes out his mouth.
Matt: The result of — as Nicki puts it in “Bang Bang” — a kitten so good, it’s drippin’ on wood.
11. Bump & Run
Literal definition: A defensive technique where the defender will initially hit the receiver at the snap of the ball and then run with him in coverage.
Matt: A Grindr hook-up.
Ira: A guy you meet at a bar and neither of you can host so you end up in the bathroom.
Ira: Did I get too dark?
Matt: Nah, just right.
Literal definition: A route where the receiver runs downfield and breaks in towards the center of the field on a 90 degree angle.
Matt: WHERE TO BEGIN.
Ira: The process of letting a basic bitch have it. It being a reason to eat their feelings.
Matt: An art form, in all senses of the word.
13. Jacked & Pumped
Literal definition: Victorious, jubliant, turnt up, etc.
Matt: My type.
Ira: The screenname for 50 percent of white gays on Grindr.
14. Out Pattern
Literal definition: The course that a wide receiver runs where he starts running straight downfield and then turns and runs toward the sideline in an attempt to get open.
Matt: The order in which you come out to the people in your life. Like, friends first? Mom first? Then Dad? Grandparents never?
Ira: The method of a former celebrity coming out on a magazine cover to gain relevance. See: Bass, Lance.
15. Eligible Receiver
Literal definition: A player who is legally allowed to touch the ball when thrown forward over the line of scrimmage.
Matt: When he consents to a facial.
Ira: When he’s showered before you rim him.
Matt: We have very clear priorities.
16. Dink & Dunk
Literal definition: A succession of short passes that use up the clock.
Matt: When he’s teasing you with just the tip. And then dives in without warning.
Ira: You know, I like to respect boundaries.